I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
