I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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