Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
