The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
