Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
