i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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