It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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