look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
