im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
