FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
