did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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