I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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