You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
