new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize