so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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