I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
