Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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