Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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