Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
