I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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