If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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