We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
