she woke up with a sticky ear
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
how drunk are you?
Several
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
