my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
