got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
