I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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