i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
