Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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