If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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