george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
