Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
