woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
