yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
