bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
