i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
