I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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