If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
