i just wanna soil my oats bro
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
