If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
