I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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