I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
