Screwed.edu
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize