theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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