Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
