remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
