pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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