So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
