I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
