Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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