I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
