I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
