I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
