Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
