I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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