I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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