then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
