A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
