Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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